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Wednesday, January 7, 2015

A Clean Whole30 Meal An Idiot Could Make In Their Sleep; Sautéed Kale with Hempseed and an Avocado Poached Egg.

Lately you guys have been giving me a really huge head by complimenting me on my insta-filtered cooking masterpieces, and while I appreciate it, I have to have an honest moment.

I am not a culinary genius. At all.

I'm actually super lazy, picky when it comes to ingredients I like to use, and get super ADD if I have to make something that takes longer than an episode on HBO pantry to plate.

That being said however, the sh*t I whip up for myself is borderline phenomenal and literally is so easy that an idiot could make it in their sleep.

All it took was a little effing practice. That's my secret.

A couple of years ago my culinary claim to fame was making a reservation. I was blessed with boyfriends who were incredible cooks, so naturally I was left tending to the coffee (I'm an excellent milk frother, btw), and opening up wine bottles (depending on the meal, of course). 

One of my exs made the best freaking eggs, to this day, I have ever tasted. Sauteéing the little bell peppers, whipping up yolks into fluffy little clouds, melting cheese to perfection. I don't know how he did it. Another was a boy who could barbecue a mean one, his marinades were downright out of this world, I'm pretty sure he was a Chilean chili pepper gatherer or hippie herbalist in a previous life. And let's not forget the badass baker I was pretty into for the sole reason that he made better cookies than my grandma. He was a keeper for a good hot second, at least until I needed to start zipping up my pants again.

Anyway, after these talented morsels of men came and went, I decided to start cooking for my own. Let me tell you, dear reader, it was touch and go there for awhile. But, after doing the time, I started to get freakin' good. Practice is an extraordinary thing that many people take for a load of crap.

So if you're a certified retard in the kitchen, take a little time and concentrate. Don't be an a**hole and give up. You're better than that. You can so do this. If I can, you sure as sh*t can.

Generally when I cook for myself I eat either raw, vegan, or follow the Whole30 meal guidelines. I like to keep it clean so that when I do actually go out, I can have whatever the hell I want. And, unless of course I'm cooking for someone else and trying to show off, I keep it easy peasy.

Here is a clean Whole30 meal I whipped up today that an idiot could make in their sleep, try it out...

Sautéed Kale with Hempseed and an Avocado Poached Egg

Sautéed Kale with Hempseed and an Avocado Poached Egg


1 aggressive handful of kale
1 tbs cold-pressed coconut oil
2 tbs raw hempseeds
1 scallion (if you don't know what this is, don't assume, google it)
1/2 a fresh avocado
1 egg
A pretty pinch of pink Himalayan salt


1. Preheat your oven to 350 or 400 degrees if you're an impatient betch, like me. 

2. Take the seed out of the avocado and scoop a little of the avocado out from around it to have a large enough hole to crack your egg into. Eat the extra avo, feed it to your dog, whatever. Place the scooped avocado half onto a baking tray, lined with foil or parchment paper, you don't need any oil.

3. Crack your egg into the avocado hole. If it overflows, just be grateful that the spillage is saving you a couple extra calories, then shove the tray into the oven. 

4. Set the timer for about 10 minutes, but keep an eye on it for sure. Everything cooks differently and honestly, I never use a timer, so I'm just guesstimating here.

5. While your avo bakes, heat up a tablespoon of coconut oil in a pan, and once it gets warm and liquifies fully, toss in a chopped scallion (I hope you googled this if you were unsure) and your aggressive handful of kale, maybe two if you're feeling frisky and want to up your greens.

6. Sauté that sh*t away on medium heat. You'll know it's done when you get the most beautiful hunter green color out of your kale. It shouldn't take more than 2.5 minutes. If it's taking forever, crank the heat up, your avocado is almost ready.

7. Plate your sautéed kale and sprinkle with 2 tbs raw hempseeds. This not only adds protein, but also gives your greens a great texture dimension should you choose to Instagram it.

8. By now the egg in your avocado should be completely poached. If it's not, keep watching it until it is and adjust heat as necessary. Once it looks delicious and like something you'd enjoy eating, take it out and carefully place it next to the kale - the skin of the avocado gets super hot!

9. Sprinkle a little pink Himalayan salt over your egg and kale if you wish. I personally like salt, so sue me.

10. Eat up and be proud! You just made a killer healthy meal for yourself that looks super impressive, has ridiculous amounts of nutrition in it, and drumroll please...tastes bomb. Enjoy!


This clean Whole30 Meal an idiot could make in their sleep serves one hungry chomper.

1 comment:

  1. Totally trying this recipe! Massaging the kale with a little oil before you cook it can help break it down some.. #cleaneating


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