All of you Tinderellas attempting to match happily ever after with your handsome prince charming...so archaically 21st century of you and not to mention, delusional. Swiping right in attempt to set up a date for a free liquid meal (plus an olive or two) at a new posh lounge...now, that's just embarrassing.
Call me cynical, but your dad just swiped right.
Lets face it, we're all just on Tinder to get more Instagram followers.
Whether you're "a model" - and I use that term very subjectively - and are trying to increase your exposure, or you just want more followers to feel pseudo famous, Tinder is your number one app to increase your followers count.
Here's how to do it...
1. Swipe right on everybody. Yes, this includes the creepy man with rapist glasses on. And scarily, even more deceiving, the nerdy guy petting the sedated tiger. Guess what? He doesn't work for National Geographic, in fact, he's about as unethically minded about animals as a communist eating a dog sandwich. Makes for awesome followers, don't you think?
2. When I say swipe right on everybody, I mean the same sex too. You don't want just a bunch of guys following you on Instagram, your boyfriend would get totally jealous (he knows you're on Tinder right?). You want lots of lesbians following you too! They leave great comments. So supportive. My lesbian friends happen to be the best followers, and they're not even into me.
3. Don't forget to put your Instagram name in your profile before you start swiping. I say this now because I want to laugh to myself knowing that you probably are taking a break from swiping to edit your profile. Finish reading my damn post before you start swiping. Oh, but while you're editing...
4. Take out the part about you "not looking for hook ups." What guy isn't looking to hook up? Possibly the nerdy guy petting the sedated tiger, and he already liked you back. You just lost yourself at least 75% of potential Instagram followers who swiped left thinking you were a frigid betch.
5. Communication time? Don't respond. You've already promoted yourself. Well done.
*No, I am not currently on Tinder. I prefer to buy my followers...just kidding.