What is red, white, and blue and more tacky than chipped Chanel matte nails?
Fourth of July manicures.
I absolutely detest manis inspired by the 4th.
If we really wanted to showcase America's independence, we would become independent members of society and get a manicure that matches our mood, or our skimpy bikini (god forbid, it isn't of an effing flag print), or perhaps something paying tribute to the Indian's beautiful turquoise color scheme...historically relevant or not.
We are completely conforming as citizens of the United States of America by asking Mei Ling to paint every other nail white and blue stripes with a top coat of silver sparkle while she asks us why we have no boyfriend.
Why we have no boyfriend? Probably because the American flag threw up all over our nail beds.
Here are fabulous manicure ideas, should you be so inclined as to absolutely have to get creative with your hands at the nail salon before this weekend, that support your rights as an independent society member and don't look lameo.
1. Orangey-red is the new Ox Blood. Not permanently, just for the summer months. And this color totally rocks. Best pulled off with short nails, you don't want to look like an Italian prostitute.
2. Obsessed with this pale pink nude with black tips. Don't you dare ruin this for me by shaping your nails into scary claws. I will make an effort to break your nail, should I see your mani within 10 feet of me or creeping up on my Instagram feed.
3. I actually really love this depressing shade of blue. It looks good on just about every skin tone and is not to mention, look great with denim should your slutty side want to come out and rock the overdone daisy dukes.
4. Basic black with one finger glitter accented. I actually even like this look matte instead of shine coated, but good luck finding an amazing matte black at a salon.
5. For those of you who like it so much you just had to put a rhinestone (or few) on it, for the love of Vogue, limit it to one color scheme.
6. Creative oriental designs are a "yes." But, only because Derek Lam did it first, circa Fall 2012.
7. Checkered nails are cool too, even if I just threw them in here to break up all of the black.