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Thursday, June 19, 2014

Don't Lose Your Guy In 10 Days; Vegan Edition.


So, You're Dating A Picky Vegan...she has really great skin and lots of energy, and did I mention she's really flexible? You're allowed to eat meat in front of her and you swear, she's like "this close" to letting you watch her get a B12 shot in the cheek. Things are getting really serious.

Until...

She goes totally off the effing deep end.



It's like a scene out of "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" - except in this remake, she's got your Love Fern in the vegetable crisper and named your package Princess Soy-phia.

If you're nodding your head thinking "this is totally something I do after the third date," it's time for you to reel in the crazy a notch and stop giving the rest of us vegans a bad name. Put the bag of chia seeds down for five seconds and listen up while your raw almonds soak. You can go back to vitamixing your sprouted nut milk right after you read the rest of this post.

Here's what not to do if you're a picky vegan and you've just started dating someone seriously...


1. Make a roast cauliflower for a sit down dinner party.


2. Dress his cat up as a hotdog and ask him to consider selling his brand new outdoor BBQ grill set.


3. Sprinkle Daiya on his food and justify it by saying, "it melts and stretches!"


4. Ask him to squeeze, press, or drain your tofu like it's some kind of sick foreplay.


5. Replace his AXE deodorant with a natural antiperspirant.


6. Flush his meds down the toilet because the label didn't clarify that they weren't animal tested.


7. Declare that it's deep-dish pizza and beer night and serve up cheese-less pizza and fermented kombucha.

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