Fashion Fades; Style is Eternal

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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

#selfie Rules.

"#selfie" - The Chainsmokers

At last, a song paying tribute to the loved and equally hated, selfie. I heard this song driving home from a spin class last night and I totally wanted to put on my Céline sunglasses in the dark and Instagram a #célfie...kidding.


So, selfies. To do or not to do, that is not the question. To do successfully or don't do at all, that is the statement. Here are my #selfie rules...feel free to hashtag it...

#selfie Rules:

1. Shine like lipgloss. Don't attempt the duckface with a dry pout. That's not hot in person, let alone blasted out to your closest 10k followers. If you're going to duck it out, gloss and plump those betches up.


2. Do not take selfies at the gym. Do not take them at the juice bar, do not take them in the mirror of the spin room, do not take them laying on your back spread-eagle stretching, do not take them naked in the steam room, do not take them period. If you must document your time at the gym, take one of your brand new neon Nikes or maybe one of the retarded girl jazzercising it out on the elliptical in front of you...but please, make sure your sound and flash is off.

3. Turn up the volume on that hair. For some reason, iPhones love to flatten out hair...especially if it's a center part or in a pony. Be sure to add some volume to the crown of the head before you snap away by finger teasing your roots à la Melissa McCarthy in The Heat, no product necessary.


4. Do not take selfie movies. A split second of yourself is hot, an entire 30 seconds is just vain and obnoxious. I don't want to see you pointing out the window over your strategically placed porsche steering wheel emblem with a shiny fake Rolex on your fat wrist, nor do I want to watch you and your friend lip-syncing lyrics to an old Britney song. Oops I did it again, you just got unfriended.

5. Your dog is a sweet addition. Even undercover douchey guys to avoid at all costs can pull this one off. In the front seat of your X5 with vintage Wayfarers on? Perfection. Clearly you just took your dog to dog beach and threw the frisbee around. You look hot and you love your dog, I'm so into you.


6. Do not wear a fake Célfie shirt in your selfie. Yes, this means your graphic tee you picked up at Kitson. You are, however, exempt if you have the real Céline "Célfie" unisex t-shirt that you picked up circa Fall 2013 after seeing Rihanna rock it with the cuffed shirt sleeves.

7. Hipster glasses, I don't hate. I know I should because they're cliché and way too trendy to be cool right now, but regardless of your gender, they look hot. Thick frames are way better than the invisible lens frames and take you from nerdy accountant to Insta-filter artistic in five seconds. Let me clarify that you actually need to be vision impaired to own a pair...no fake lenses please. Cringe.


8. Do not take selfies while trying on jewelry at Barneys, first floor. Especially, if this entails you holding up a flashy, overpriced jeweled cuff to your neck and channeling a serial killer's expression with your face. If you have to document a piece of jewelry you tried on with your face included, odds are you can't afford to ever own it...or you're not hot enough to find a boyfriend who is.

9. Wedding selfies are totally appropriate...seeing that the wedding photographer is more apt to waste his film on the bride and groom than you and your girlfriends at the "singles" table. Make your boobs look good in that conservative frock of yours and snap away like it's a Herve Leger and you're in Vegas. You are on your fifth glass of Cristal, right?


10. Funderal selfies are totally not appropriate...even if you're wearing the designer's best

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