I feel like douchebag is the new baller and it's trending like mad. Don't succumb yourself to undercover douches. They're sneakier than ever and creeping up in places you wouldn't even think of.
10 Undercover Douchey Guys to Avoid at All Costs:
1. The guy who wears a suit out in the night club when his day job doesn't require wearing one. You b*tches let the cat out of the bag when you decided to publicize that a man in a business suit is prime feeding to prowl on. Because of you not so silent predators, men caught on and now know to wear a suit in order to get girls. Some of these suits you've been sniffing around are only being brought out after the end of the work day...and the tag probably says Zara, not Brioni.
2. The guy who leaves the office to take the noon hot yoga class. He's most definitely in a relationship. A normal single guy will come in to take an early vinyasa flow post-surf session or after work to scope out all of the PM Lululemon booties down doggin' it. The ones in the relationship sneak out of their office looking for an affair...then they're home come dinner time.
3. The guy in front of you in line at your local juice bar who 'creates his own' with too much detail. Remember that scene in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days when Kate Hudson is eating at the nasty vegan restaurant (pre-burrito in the back) with dreamy McConaughey and goes, "My boyfriend thinks I'm fat..."? True story. This guy is a walking pro-ana website and probably creates eating disorders around the table. If he's that picky with his juice, you don't want to imagine how picky he is with his arm candy.
4. The guy who walks around in a team jersey or warm-up when it's not game day...and he's not apart of the team. There are two offenders to this category: 1. the athletic guy who likes to pretend he is one of the players, and 2. the just plain white guy who plays more game on the TV than on the field. Both are a weak link. Don't lose the game.
5. The guy who wears sunglasses walking into the sports club. I'm sorry, but are you blind? Be a normal person and take your sunglasses off inside of your car, run across the parking lot avoiding getting hit because you're squinting all the way to the entrance, and go work out. Guys who walk into the gym with their shades on like their Slim Shady slimmin' it on the treadmill need to be revoked membership.
6. The guy buying flowers for his 'parent's anniversary' at the grocery store. Oh, is that a bottle of Dom he's buying for his parents too? How sweet. Don't fall for it. Guys have a hard enough time remembering their own anniversary, let alone their parent's.
7. The guy who shoots out nicknames like "boss" and "champ." Unless he's calling you a boss in the bedroom, I wouldn't be down with it. Men don't even call their own boss, "boss," let alone the waiter handing over the check at the restaurant you're dining at. Homie needs a vocab check, stat.
8. The guy who brags about not having cable. Ok yeah, that's cool. Too busy for cable, too intelligent for cable...likes to read. Go ahead and save your money you cheapskate. I'm not forcing you to sit down and watch The Bachelor with me every Monday night for the rest of your life, but don't make the rest of us feel bad for watching Orange is the New Black.
9. Three words: The Selfie King. That's so cute that you send out play by play pictures throughout your day. Morning cuddles with your dog, adorbs. Lunch with your mom, quite the family man. Pre-gym selfie in the bathroom...um, stop. The guy who sends out selfies all day: A. can't be that productive, and B. usually is a repeat selfie offender...meaning you're probably in a mass bigger than his iPhone's cloud contents.
10. The guy who asks you out via text and signs his text message with, "Cheers." First of all, I don't have a drink in my hand and secondly, a pair of Louboutins says you've never even been to England.