Fashion Fades; Style is Eternal

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Tuesday, November 5, 2013

"Stop trying to make fetch happen." - Male Edition.

Men are creatures of habit. And unfortunately, some of the hardest habits for the male species to break are the horrible statements they make in fashion. They find something and they run with it...with their heads cut off. Luckily, for them, this means that they don't even see the catastrophe of a trend they are trying to make happen, but unfortunately for the rest of us, we do.


I can guarantee that once in every woman's life, perhaps multiple times over the course of a weekend, she's getting checked out at her local champagne watering hole or while she's dipping her toes into the kale pond at Whole Foods...depending on the time of day. She's flattered, but she thinks, "If only he wasn't (fill-in-the-blank), he'd be perfect."

Here are 10 things to stop making happen:

If only he wasn't...

1. ...wearing white sunglasses. First of all, white sunglasses were never a good look. Second of all, they were definitely not a good look after the turn of the 90's. No matter how hipster the hair, they manage to make every guy look like a total Douchebag Bro, Bro. Go crawl back into your lifted truck and Paul Pfeiffer yourself by breaking your pair in half and never ever taping these halves back together again.

2. ...rocking the Khaki in da club. Hey creepy guy in the khaki jacket, we see you shakin' that thang. You've got moves, but that jacket you're wearing makes no girl want to come within 10 feet of your bottle of booze. Quick rewind to my post last year, Khaki Jacket in Da Club. Every word still applies.


3. ...snapchatting selfies of his Rolex. Every rich b*tch knows a handful of offenders that love to impress by snapchatting pictures of themselves pointing at something far off in the distance. Like magic, that object in the distance completely disappears and leaves you mesmerized by the shiny brand new Rolex, loosely clasped on his wrist. Don't fall for it ladies, this is beyond tacky...might as well be a fake. That baby in the picture isn't even his, it's his niece.

4. ...wearing a baseball cap at all times. Don't get me wrong, I totally get the baseball cap thing...at the gym, out in the sun, running around town (baseball caps to men are like Lululemon to women...we get it), and hey, maybe just maybe, after an actual game of baseball. However, let's learn a little thing of moderation. Take off the cap in the shower, take off the cap at brunch, and please take off the cap if the sun is no longer up in the sky.


5. ...still trimming around the soul patch. I think it's been made very clear that the only facial hair allowed since 2008 is scruff or a hipster stash. No flavor savers, no chin curtains, and absolutely no goatees, Mr. Billy Goat Scruff.

6. ...five inches too tall for his graphic tee. First off, graphic tees are a touchy subject to begin with. I'm 100% offended however, if the shirt has faded and shrunken so much in the wash that it could be considered a mid-drift. Cotton shrinks, even if your mom is still doing your laundry. It's time for it to become a new rag for the housekeeper.


7. ...whipping out a velcro wallet. This isn't even a thing about money. If you're a guy and you're still whipping out a cloth Hurley wallet, a lot can be said about you...and not in a positive light. Invest in a leather wallet or a metal money clip, it can be $15 and generic for all I care, as long as it doesn't make the "swish swish" sound upon opening it.

8. ...still into his faded jeans. A&F distressed light wash denim is a thing of the college days, when Facebook was still a thing. No more faded anything for men, unless it's a pale blue pair of seersucker shorts and we're going sailing and then out to brunch with my grandparents at the yacht club...even then, I'd prefer you to wear all white.


9. ...wearing pants with lots of pleats. Extra horrible bonus points for pleated pants in a color. Extra extra horrible bonus points for pleated pants in a color that are cuffed at the bottom. I wish I was making this sh*t up. I've seen this before...on a total 9.5 of a guy that took me out last month for bubbles and oysters, might I add. So tragic.

10. ...flipping out a flip phone. I don't care if his business pays for it and especially then. He's not being vintage, and he's most likely not Zack Morris. If he isn't up to date with technology, can you imagine how bad he is in bed?

2 comments:

  1. I'm zero for ten on that list! Go me!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Go Ian!!! Obviously not as many men shop like you do. Such a shame. True Foods & Nordies soon? Xo.

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