1. Never walk up to the club with 5 guys on your arm. The only arm candy you are allowed to wear is a set of Hermès bracelets and a hot girlfriend that the promoters can picture you making out with later if they set you at the right table of successful athletes.
2. For the men: If you're footing the bill at a $15,000 minimum table next to the dance floor and you're wearing Kenneth Cole loafers, you need to check your priorities. The shoe just doesn't fit.
3. Don't spill your vodka cran on the girl in the white bandage dress. If you can't keep your distance, order a vodka soda for God's sake.
4. If you're going to make out with a hot Brazilian, do not make out with the hot Brazilian with a Tom Ford Cherry Blush lipstick mark on his cheek if you're wearing Tom Ford Black Orchid. His girlfriend will be watching in Cherry Blush.
5. Stop talking sh*t on the bottle service whores. They're the ones doing the work for your free champagne. If it wasn't for them looking hot and flirting with the men at the table, your flute would be dry as gin, remember that.
6. Never take off your Louboutins and shove them in the little cupboard at your table just so that you can dance comfortably on top your table. Are you an idiot?
7. Do not mistakenly take the Persian girl's right Louboutin out of the little cupboard (that she idiotically stuck her shoes in so that she could dance on the table), thinking it was the matching shoe to your left Jessica Simpson patent peep toe pump.
8. If you accidentally take the Persian girl's right Louboutin and it doesn't match your left Jessica Simpson patent peep toe pump, put the Louboutin back into the little cupboard immediately. No fast movements, do not apologize. If she sees you do this you may get a bottle of Cristal broken on the top of your head for the wrong reason. Not because you were wearing a pair of Jessica Simpson pumps to the club, but because you touched her Louboutin.
9. Never wear a fake Herve Leger bandage dress when standing next to a girl in the real thing. This is especially the case if it's 4:30 AM and you're waiting in line at Secret Pizza at The Cosmopolitan...your fake will not remain a secret, even to the champagne drunken eyes.
10. Don't throw up in your Chanel bag. Ever.