Fashion Fades; Style is Eternal

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Wednesday, February 15, 2012

What Were You Thinking, Dear Valentine?

Spotted: Horrible Valentine's Day Fashion Faux Pas.


Do you realize your only real responsibility last night was...to look hot???

Your date did not care if you chose the most fabulous restaurant in town if you looked like a haggard, festively pink and red vomited on mess. Your date did not care what organically rare ingredients were in the cocktails he had to throw back because he was forced to look at the body glitter clumped on all over your face. Your date did not care if the meat was cooked to perfection if he had to stare at some dangling heart-shaped contraption hanging from both of your ear lobes. And your date definitely did not care to order desert if it meant being with your train wreck of Valentine's Day fashion presentation for 5 minutes longer.

With that being said...I have a few questions to ask some of the females showcasing the oh-so-visionarily wrong ensembles last night that were cluttering the elegant atmosphere of the romantic restaurant my handsome Valentine took me to...

What were you thinking dressing up in head-to-toe red, fuschia, or pink?

I mean, the LRD (Little Red Dress) is fabulous, but a red hair ornament, red plastic crystal "statement" necklace, red tights (for god's sake), and red shoes? You remind me of the girl from Willy Wonka who turns into a blueberry and eventually blows up...at least her actions weren't intentional.

Speaking of "ornaments" of the hair, what were you thinking wearing a green dress?

In a sea of red, do you really want to make yourself stand out as a pine tree? This looks ridiculous. Yes, you may be able to recycle dresses after 2 months, but wearing your green satin Christmas party dress to a Valentine's Day dinner is absolutely beyond me. I wanted to run around you singing "Deck the Halls" and stringing little lights all around your body.

What were you thinking wearing more Swarovski crystals than those that hang from the $32 million-dollar Swarovski crystal chandelier in the Cosmopolitan Hotel in Vegas?

I know you are a "housewife" (of Fresno maybe, definitely not Del Mar) and have great fake "additions" for all the hard "housework" you do all day long, but this dress was ridiculous. I know exactly where you got it too...it's marked down 70% Final Clearance. I will spare the store's name because it's actually a very fabulous dress shop, but just FYI, I know.

What were you thinking wearing strappy heels with nylons, tights, knee-highs, etc.?

This makes me want to text everyone at the restaurant saying, "WTF is this biotch thinking?" I actually had a little dilemma last night of my own in regards to this situation. Do I wear black lacey tights with standard sky-high black pumps or do I ditch the sexy lace and go with a strappy pair of Manolos? I didn't say F it and do the lace and the Manolos. Why you ask? Because this would be a disaster.

What were you thinking carrying that awful "toiletry" looking clutch just because it was in a lovey dovey color?

Seriously? I get that it's the only festive colored "bag" you have and you were trying to make an effort. But, I mean if you didn't have a chance to purchase one of my suggested Valentine's Day Closet Treats, just keep it simple for crying out loud. I felt like asking you for some dental floss.

To Those These Questions Pertain To: Maybe I should have posted a "What to Wear/What NOT to Wear" blog prior to last night, but I really thought that you would have known better. My sincere apologies. Feel free to leave a comment at the end of this post providing me with any insight into your unfashionably ridiculous judgement.

I do have something quick to say to all those fabulously dressed last night...well done. I did see quite a few of you in your little Herve Leger dresses (free of any Bandage Dress Crimes) donning a pair of red soles that really called for a group picture to be taken.

I could go on and on about you dear, tastefully trendy reader...however, it's way more fun ragging on those less-fashionable!

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